What about me?

This week I talked with a friend of mine.    She told me how she reads this blog and how she feels for me and I am in her prayers.  Yet, she diminishes the fact she is living with a husband with Parkinson’s.    She has been married just about twenty years longer than Joe and I but that does not decrease what she is dealing with as a caregiver.    

During our conversation she said something that really stuck with me.   She talked about being present for him and accepting him but also wanting to go outside and just scream sometimes.    She said she would question “Well what about me”.    I am totally with her on this.    

What about me? Why do I have to carry the burden? Why do I have to be calm and reassuring while he dwindles away?    Sometimes it is more than I can handle.   This week I snapped at him.   I was bent over in the fridge getting things to get my lunch for work.    The door to the fridge swung open, I jumped and hit my head on the freezer.   I snapped “ What do you want???”    He wanted to be helpful.   It took everything in me to not snap again.   He stood there with the fridge door open blocking me from going to the counter.   It took all I had to guide him through the steps without just screaming “Get out of my way”.   

I have been burning the candle at both ends working both jobs.   I am exhausted.   This morning I could sleep longer but he started to rub my arm.   I gave up and got out of bed.   I was working from home and researching and he wants to know what I am doing.    I am on a Zoom meeting and he wants to be a part of it.   

So somedays I think “What about me?”    But I go back to people I watched in the pharmacy who went through hell with a loved one and came out the other end.   I thank God everyday for my mom.   I thank him for coworkers I can dump it all on.   I thank him for a job where we laugh ourselves silly.   I thank him for the stress relievers he has placed in my life so I don’t lose my mind.