I feel judged

Have you felt thisthat someone you love and grew up with has always been judging you?    It plagues at times and I just struggle with it.   I wonder why the judgement.   I wonder why I never feel like I amount to what is expected.   I wonder if we were conditioned this way.   

There is someone close to me that since high school I have felt secretly judged by.   Someone I have tried to talk to but the conversation ended in tears.   Someone who years ago said to me “ I’m sorry for what i thought about you…”. Someone I questioned about Joe and was told “It’s not as bad as I expected.”    

That was over a year ago.   So why tonight, is it something that really is weighing on me? I don’t want to focus on the negative. But certain times, I felt so deserted by those I expected to stand with me. Some nights it’s just hard.