Struggling

Five days homebound can take a toll on your sanity. I know I don’t need to share this with anyone. After all it is a pandemic still. But five days ago I brought Joe home from day care. His delusions were ridiculous. He tried to get out of the car at the corner of Plantation St and Route 9. If you don’t know it, it is a major intersection. He scared the crap out of me.

The next day we saw the primary to clear him of any infections before his antipsychotic was changed. Since then we have been trying to find the right dosage while I filled out paperwork, contacted the lawyer, transferred money, and managed to get him I to lang term care. Tomorrowis the day. Tomorrow he moves in.

Twenty nine years ago we bought our “starter home”. I was three months pregnant, he worked in town and we were just beginning. Our started home turned into our long term home. Each of our babies came home to this house. They grew up here. Went to school here. Graduated from here. And for two even got married. Except for six months, our entire married life has been here.

Tonight is his last night here. Tomorrow I move him out to his next phase. Tomorrow I start married life without him.

So tonight I struggle. Tonight I cannot settle. I struggle to read a book. To watch a movie. I have started and stopped repeatedly. Tonight I give myself permission to drink a little more wine. Tonight I will settle him for the night. Tonight I will linger and enjoy having him lie next to me one last time.

Tomorrow I will do what is necessary to keep him safe. Tomorrow I will deal with what will come.