Today was Bad

I have know through the past few months that Joe has been declining.   I see it everyday.   You can’t miss it.    I knew today was the Montreal Cognitive test redo and I knew it would hurt.    I have been looking to this day for the past month.   I have known that the number would affect me.   

I told you I am a number person.   Pharmacy School assured that.   Raising my children just hammered it home.   Now I am looking at the number for how far my husband has declined and how quickly he is leaving me.  

July 30, 2017 Joe was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and a cognitive score of 22/30.  November, 2018 Joe had a cognitive score of 16/30.   Today he tested at an 8/30.   Again, I knew this would hurt.  Again, I was rocked to my core.  

I don’t have another three years with Joe.   We will be married 27 years in September.   I don’t think we will make 30.   

I asked Liz to postpone Vet School a year.   She told me she felt she had to go and graduate so she could be here when I needed her most.   Will she graduate before he is gone?

Kate and Adam have had a Magistrate wedding but never said their vows.   They are waiting for the “real ceremony” to say them.   Will Joe know who they are in a year?   
I told Eric the news.   He broke down and hugged me and said “ Mom, I cant stay here”.   I get it he is young.   He is struggling so badly watching his dad drift away.   But there is a pandemic and I don’t know if he can move back to campus.  

I wonder who I should tell.  And I wonder if it is for their benefit or Joe’s.   Today I had to let two people know.   I had to tell them because I know the love and support they have for us.   I know they will “summon the troops”.    But others... I don’t think I can manage their emotions.   I struggle daily under the burden of Joe’s, our kids, and mine.   

I will forever be grateful to God for the people he has brought into our lives who love and support us unconditionally.   I cannot express in words what this means to us.  

Yesterday we as a staff did home visits to parishioners not able to get back to church.  At two houses I was pulled aside and told of their love and support for me and my family. It was hard not to shed a tear or more.   But Thank You God!   We may be fighting a battle we don’t want but we know we are surrounded by love and support.   

So as bad as today was, I am grateful I could pull away during Adoration and shed a few tears.    I am grateful for the hug I was pulled Into when I walked in the office.   I am grateful for the teens I met with tonight who made me smile and think of simpler times.   I am grateful to have had a few moments outside to just listen to the birds and wish I had their problems.    

So while I want to cry and I want to rail as to why me and why us, I will go to bed and tomorrow continue the fight.