Stifling

Recently I started to realize the pain I have caused by stifling some close to me from saying what they wanted, from saying how hurt they have been. My goal has always been to be the peacemaker. I wanted to push the struggle into a dark corner and do all to keep a relationship going.

I am know seeing how I have let anger brew and let those I love suffer for me trying to “keep the peace”. This comes as I realize everything I did to keep the peace failed. Some just have so much judgement and expectations that you simply cannot live up to. I struggle terribly with this. It should not be this way. Yet, it is.

I have kept tight reigns on Kate for years. I let her rant about how much a family member has hurt her, ignored her, dismissed her. But in all that I would not let her release her pain. I was afraid of the consequences.
Joe was hurt by the same family member and I made excuses to my children. I would not let any of them address the situation in the manner they wanted to.

My mom told me the amount of anxiety she felt this weekend both before and after talking to one of my in laws, Joe’s brother, about not being able to care for him as much any more.

I spoke to Eric who wanted to take on a Tik Tok person for misquoting the Bible and taking verses out of context. It was this conversation that I realized how much I have silenced those around me. Eric told me he never thought he could change the mind of the person recording. Instead he said “But Mom what about the people who hear this and believe because they have no other context”.

I don’t know if quashing mine for speaking their pain was right or wrong. But I do realize now, they all need to speak from the heart. And I should not get in the way of that.