Now what?

I came home from work and there was an envelope on the counter in Kay, Joe’s sister, distinctive handwriting.    Joe spreads every piece of mail across the counter so as I come home I can look at it all.   Not exactly how I like to come home, but he feels he is being helpful.   Anyway, he never noticed Kay’s handwriting.  

I waited to Joe wasn’t around to read her brief card wishing us all well and sending her regards.  I know for her this was an olive branch.   I know for her she opened the door and the next move is mine.   At first I wanted to take that and tell her how not fine we really are.   I also know to do that will bring me yet again to a place I am no longer emotionally strong enough to be.  

In the two years before Joe lost his job but we knew something was wrong, he asked me not to say anything to his mom or sister.  I made a vow to honor my husband.   I never said anything.   Our relationship was already strained and I didn’t want to add to it but more than that I wanted to do as Joe asked. When Joe lost his job I told him we had to tell them.  He said he wouldn’t but I could.  

The news he was having problems didn’t go over well.   The fact I hadn’t said anything and kept them from offering advice was even worse.   I did what I could to try and answer and keep them informed until it was too much for Joe.   I got emails from Kay with job offers i knew i would have a nervous breakdown with, literally.  Kay responded that I needed to prove to her my short term and long term financial stability before she stopped sending the emails.  My mom asked Kay, Henry and their mom to meet with her to figure out ways to help us.   They respectfully declined.  

His mom wanted to help him in the way she thought he needed. I can’t imagine being a parent and having your child face something like this.   But she wasn’t listening to what he wanted or he needed.   It went from bad to worse.   One night he gave up telling her what he wanted and handed me the phone.  I begged her not to give up on him.   I was so upset when we hung up, I sank to the kitchen floor and sobbed so much Eric came to try and comfort me before calling my mom and asking her to help.  

Fifteen months ago I was at work and Kate texted that Dad has just cursed out Grandma.    This was a first.  He had never done anything like this.  I asked her if he was alright enough that I finish work or should I come right home.  She said she and Eric were there and seemed okay enough.  She would let me know if I needed to come home.  

When I got home I listened to what he had to say.   He was so angry.   If you know Joe, you know he rarely ever gets angry.  For him to be this angry was bad.   Eric and I drove over to talk to his mom and sister.  That night I thought we had cleared some things up.   I thought they had more of an understanding of what Joe and therefore we were going through.   I was so wrong.  

We didn’t see or here from them until Liz’s bridal shower and then wedding.  We had little contact with them there.  I know this is Kay’s way of opening the door and trying to connect again.   I have known her since we were 18.   First, Joe’s appointment last week and Eric going off to school have flattened me.   I am not emotionally strong enough to open dialogue.   Second, while Joe continues to slip daily, he remembers how badly they hurt me and he doesn’t want to see them.    I could really use Kay’s help with her brother.   Yet her brother doesn’t want to see her or talk to her.  I can’t make excuses for them now.   All I need to do and have to do is take care of Joe to the best of my ability.   I just wish we hadn’t ended up here.