Wow!

I received a note today from our primary care who is moving out of state.    It was notes she wrote to herself when Joe was diagnosed.   She talks about her struggle with his diagnosis and she Kate and I crying in the exam room.    She talks about us having a strong marriage and a strong family and now facing this beast.    He continued with her emotions of it all.  

I truly appreciate her sending it to me.   I know he is young onset but she is the doctor.    I didn’t think our case would rock her as it did.   It was wonderful to “hear” her perspective of our marriage and our family.   

But it also hurt.   It hurt to go back to that moment.   It hurt to read her pain.   It brought to the forefront of my mind where we were then and where we are now.  Eric came to me this morning to talk.   Joe couldn’t find the sugar or the garbage this morning.   Eric was very upset by it.   He kept saying “But mom they haven’t moved.   They have always been there”.   We talked about the advancing nature of the beast.    We talked about how we will protect Joe and work to keep him safe as we move forward.   

Eric is very concerned about after the pandemic when life gets going again.    Then what with Dad?    I explained about increasing his days at his program, Grandma coming over to be with Joe when I work Sundays and on the nights I work late getting a caregiver to sit with Joe.   Eric seemed calmer after our talk.  

The problem is me.   After reading the note and having the talk with Eric everything is forefront in my mind.   Add in that Kate left yesterday to move to be with Adam and we had no heat for two days or hot water and I just feel like a basket case.  

I haven’t done my prayers today.   So I came out to sit in the sun and the warmth on the deck, listen to the birds, pray and let me self just feel what is happening inside me.   I am realizing todayis not going to be the productive day I thought it would be.   And I know that is okay.