Heartsick

s i was working on the deck my neighbor Sue showed up.   We have lived with our backyards touching for since 1994.   We have had conversations.   Liz spent time in high school walking there dog.   She even found a mass in Jack that was cancer and removed.  

This wasn’t the first time Sue talked to me about her Parkinson’s.    And it wasn’t the first time she shared her husband doesn’t like being her caregiver.   Today she told me she is trying to connect to an online yoga class and having trouble.   Her husband is better at technology than she is but he has clearly told her he will not be of any assistance.   She needs to figure it out on her own.   

In one aspect I get it.   After all I too am caregiver.   I didn’t ask for this or want this.   But this is what we are.   This is who we are.  Joe hovers as I take a work call and then wants to know who I am talking to.   Yes I want to tell him to bug off and leave me alone.   But I also know the part of him that cares for his family is alive there.   Yes he drives me crazy every day with his hovering.  But he also doesn’t realize he askes the same question umteen times.   

To hear Sue, the patient, voice her thoughts, qualms and isolation help me to realize how I need to protect Joe.   They also make my heart break for she and all those who go through stuff like this with caregivers who are angry to be in this position.    

Again, I am not and will never say it is easy.   At times I just want to all away.   But through Sue and my patients I also see the person on the other side.  The person who needs to be loved and guided step by step.   
Aileen