My heart hurts

It’s Christmas Eve. I made plans with my kids, 4:30pm Christmas EveMass, tacos, then Catan the game.

Everyone was running their errands and out and about during the day. Adam was studying at the kitchen table when Joe and I were watching TV. The movie ended and again Joe was not agitated but maybe anxious. We started to talk. Again, he is very worried about being able to walk Kate down the aisle. He asked when they would be married and would he be there.

He had trouble getting his thoughts out. He wondered what dying would be like. But then he asked how it happened and pointed to the back of his head and his neck. I was trying to figure out what he was talking about. We talked about a variety of things like care teams or day programs. Nothing stuck. Somehow it came out. He thought we were planning when to medically kill him.
I don’t know how or why this entered his head. I don’t know why he would ever think this. It breaks my heart that he would ever, ever think we would “get rid” of him. I told him he was t going until God wanted him. We talked about he would go to Heaven and his Dad would be there waiting with the best hug ever. He would be with our baby we lost to miscarriage and his sister who died after birth.

How am I supposed to prepare him to die? He could he ever think I would allow him to be medically killed? Tonight, my heart hurts.