It's easy to dismiss

I met with an good friend this week.  For awhile she has been concerned about her husband and his memory.  Recently he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  We talked about family and friends who see what they want to see and don't notice the changes.  

The week before we met Joe's college friend called.  He and Joe spoke before I got on the phone.  We talked and he said how good Joe sounded.  When I said he has slipped more he doubted it.  He said they just had a great conversation about stuff that happened back in college.  There is a disconnect when the conversation is about something long ago and the memories that are still intact. Its hard to say he remembers college but not where the Tupperware goes or where the toilet paper is stored.  He forgets what the laundry basket is and needs to be reminded to take a shower.  

 Sunday when we went to Church Joe didn't recognize John.  John stood there with a grin and a hand out to shake.  Joe just looked at me.  I told him a few times John wanted to say hi.  Eventually he understood and shook John's hand.  After that a few more people welcomed him and he smiled and shook hands.  

My friend was saying her adult kids where saying Fred hasn't changed.  Friends from church have said the same thing.  Yet she is the one who notices when he gets up in the middle of the night to write down lists of words.  She is the one who noticed when she asked him to drain the potatoes he instead drained the meatballs.  She is the one who drove to find him after he volunteered only to not be able to find him.  When she did he told her he became disoriented because there were so many doors.  

It's easy to dismiss changed in someone when you don't see them often or see them in their familiar location.  Please don't dismiss what the caregiver is telling you is happening.  We are the ones who see day to day the confusion, the loss, the cover up.  We are the ones seeing them slowly leaving us.