I miss my girls

Tonight, I really miss my girls.  My mom has been working in their room the last two days to start to pack up and empty out.   We have a small house.   All summer she and I have used the deck as an escape.   It is a place we can go to escape CNN or shark week.   It has been a place to get away from watching Joe play with his eyelashes or snap his hands continually.   

However, it is fall and the weather is starting to cool off.   It won’t be much longer we will be on the deck.   So the plan is to deconstruct the girls room and bring up the glider and futon from downstairs so we have a place to go.  

It’s a great plan and a needed plan.   But tonight, as I see the room empty of their belongings and their “stuff”, I miss them so much.   I miss what we had and where we were as a family.  I miss yelling from my room “It’s okay.   I’m only fourteen steps away”.   I miss the the mess and their stamp on the space.   

This is a hard reminder that we are not who we were.    It is a hard reminder that we will never again be what we were.   Tonight I sit on their empty beds and remember the nights I crawled in with them to wait till their breathing changed so I could go back to my bed.   Tonight I sit their and remember the conversations we had while curled up with the pillows and blankets.  I remember the ribbons Liz was so proud of from her horse shows. I think about all the nights I needed to take Kate through guided meditation before she could fall asleep.   

Tonight, I mourn what we had but know we need to recreate the room for our future.