Christmas 2020

This Christmas has been to say the least challenging. I have to say I love the Hallmark version of Christmas. Towns all lit up with lights and decorations. Festivals and gatherings happening and family coming together. Christmas in the movies seems magical. Everyone is happy. No one is fighting, not really. The food looks beautiful and even worse effortless. Seriously, its not hard to bake all day, then create this magical setting and come out all dressed up with the turkey baked to perfect crispness. Then the lucky one gets to carve it. Houses are big with lots of room and waistlines are nominal at best. There is a reason the movies are so popular. There is a reason I love to watch them. They are happy and joy filled.

However, that is not the reality this year (or any year for that matter but particularly this one. The pandemic plays a part in it but even more so it is the decline in Joe. Joe has been speaking more and more about death. Does he feel it is coming? Does he “know” something? Does he know how much he is slipping? Then there are the reactions of the kids. One doesn’t want to be around at all to see the decline. One is doing their best to be present but struggling and one is angry.

I had a conversation with a neighbor yesterday about his decline and that I feel this will be the last Christmas he will know us. I felt heartless as she became so emotional. I know it isn’t true but in that moment she was so emotional and it was all I could do to look her in the eye.

I struggle terribly with my expectations from my kids. I want them to see what I am doing and right now to just give me a little break. Joe reads my emotions well. He knows if I am upset and he wants to fix it. So instead of saying “Dad, sit down and watch your movie. Mom will be back soon.” How about a calmer approach, a distracting approach. “Dad, let me come and sit with you and watch your movie. I’ll stay till Mom gets back”.

I am tired of the blame and the excuses. Last night it was you were so emotional because you were drinking wine. Instead of hearing me when I said Dad spent a lot of time this afternoon asking about death and asking me what it will feel. like. Please understand, I made it through the conversation because I knew he needed me to be. Yet, watching Christmas Eve Mass really affected me. This may be our last one ever.

So this Christmas afternoon, I have a turkey backing but realize I forgot to get stuffing. Our house has very few decorations up and everyone is sleeping in. Daisy my grandpup has been keeping us comfortable. No Hallmark movies are playing. Instead its Doctor Who. Yes, he loves it and is happy watching it. Dinner will be what we come up with instead of the perfectly cooked and gorgeous meal. I will not be all dressed up but dressed comfortable. My emotions are crazy but I am trying to limit my expectations and just make sure Joe is comfortable. I want to answer his questions and make sure he isn’t worried about anything.

This Christmas will be one we will all remember for various reasons. Nothing is the same for us this year. I am taking a deep breath and going to try and make the best of it. I have all my kids home and missing Grandma and one grandpup. I am blessed with family, friends and support. And I am going to try and remember that.